i would punch a child for taco bell
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
