Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
