epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
