you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Houston, we have a blender
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
