K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
