I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
