I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
