she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
