I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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