She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize