i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
