i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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