hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
