yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
