Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
