Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
