I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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