Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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