i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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