You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
