you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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