Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
