Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
