life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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