i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize