I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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