I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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