Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
