I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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