Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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