so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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