you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize