Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
