Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
