you have to choose: penises or morals?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
