Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it's like heaven, but drunker
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
