the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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