Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize