It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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