Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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