i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't deserve a penis
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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