Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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