and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
