Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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