So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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