She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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