You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
