Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
