I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
