so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
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I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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