I accidentally burped into my bong.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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