we have officially lost it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
God, I missed his penis.
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