I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
His nipple licking is glorious
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