I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
